A modest request

From: The Ministry of Health

Dear Doctor:

A few months ago a survey by the Centre for Perpetual Surveys reported that physicians identify job stress as the primary obstacle they now face in the provision of quality health care for their patients. Furthermore, the centre noted, mental health-related disability claims on behalf of physicians rose to unprecedented levels last year. Sadly, suicide rates among physicians have also jumped and are approaching dentist-like numbers. A crisis is upon us, the Centre for Perpetual Surveys concluded, and although crises have been prematurely claimed before, this time they're pretty sure about it.

Physician societies and associations nationwide took note of this somber news. In response, the interested parties sat down together over a 3-martini lunch and, in a jaw-dropping show of co-operation, put differences aside and agreed to a multi-partisan task force to examine the issue.

Photo by: Fred Sebastian

The delegates set off to the tranquility of a countryside resort with a simple purpose: devise a plan to avert the gloomy Al Gore-type predictions, namely, a total health care meltdown, and to lower their handicaps into the single digits.

The conference opened with back-slapping optimism among participants. Nevertheless, security was tight — food tasters were brought in prior to each buffet meal — and, so as not to unduly alarm the public, shrouded in secrecy; reporters (actually there was only the 1 fellow) were barred from the resort. Fortunately, problems were averted by quick-thinking officials who crossed their fingers while announcing that the proceedings would be held in camera, which the scribe luckily took to mean that he could go home and watch the thing on DVD later at his convenience.

Unfortunately, the congratulatory mood did not last much longer than the first fairway where, according to eyewitness accounts, a nasty golf club swinging incident with matching 5-irons broke out between representatives from a prestigious medical association and an international non-governmental organization. In addition, hotel employees told us, the delegates' movie-on-demand and mini-bar bills were “spiraling hopelessly out of control.” Home offices were growing increasingly concerned and were flooded with 1, maybe 2 calls a week from a public demanding action.

That's where we came in. The Ministry ordered the task force down. Since no government funding had as yet been thrown at the problem, the Centre for Perpetual Surveys was given a blank cheque and asked to remedy the situation.

Herein you will find a copy of the Physician's Mini Sanity Scale, an ingenious self assessment tool that uses a series of seemingly incongruous questions, which, we have been assured, will precisely determine a practitioner's attitudinal and clinical makeup. In other words, the questionnaire assesses what the Centre for Perpetual Surveys calls “physician mental readiness” to perform their functions, thus identify which physicians are crumbling faster than crackers going into soup.

Please complete the attached questionnaire. It will take between 5 minutes and 4 hours to complete. In order to save time we ask that you not make any additional remarks in the comments section since they very rarely get read anyway. Further, we recommend that you not eat 2 hours before or 1 hour after taking the questionnaire as pilot studies have indicated a small but statistically significant increase in retching and vomiting among some participants. For symptoms persisting longer, please consult your family physician, if you have one.

You will be compensated for your time. For each unstained and completed questionnaire, you will receive a 2007 leather-like bound Day-Timer. We're well aware that it's now 2008, but if you simply cross out the calendar numbers for each day of the month and move them 1 square over until March, and then 2 squares over thereafter, since 2008 is a leap year, you should be fine.