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CMAJ • December 11, 2001; 165 (12)
© 2001 Canadian Medical Association or its licensors

Diversions

There was a young surgeon who swallowed a flea

Nicholas M. Boulis

Dr. Boulis is with the Department of Neurosurgery, Cleveland Clinic Foundation, Cleveland, Ohio.

I am an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don't know why I swallowed the fly, I guess I'll die.

I went to the ER to take out the pest. With curtains half-drawn, I took off my dress. The emergency doctor consulted a flea, For abdominal pain he palpated me. With EKGs running and blood work sent off, The internist turned to his student to scoff. The ER's so stupid. They haven't a clue. Is there anyone here who knows what to do? My exam is conclusive; it's clear that she's got A GI obstruction; her gut's in a knot.

I went to the ER to take out the pest. With curtains half-drawn, I took off my dress. The emergency doctor consulted a flea, For abdominal pain he palpated me. I still don't know why I swallowed that fly, I guess I'll die.

They sent me to x-ray, to peek at my bowels With an overpriced gizmo whose name had no vowels. I waited down there on a cart in the hall, And then in a room with some lead in the wall.

When the doctor came in, he scowled at the chart: "Straight to the scanner, no plain films to start? Will you look at this note, three pages in length. One line is enough, if you write it with strength. Internists are wordy; they're sophists by trade. I've got no idea how they ever get paid." With the flip of a switch on a digitized screen: "I see no obstruction, the swelling's her spleen."

I went to the ER to take out the pest. With curtains half-drawn, I took off my dress. The emergency doctor consulted a flea, For abdominal pain he palpated me. They sent me to x-ray, to peek at my bowels With an overpriced gizmo whose name had no vowels. I still don't know why I swallowed that fly, I guess I'll die.

And down came the surgeons with blood on their gowns With scrub hats and masks to conceal their dark frowns. "Radiologists think with scanners and such With no clinical savvy, the film is a crutch. We'll take her upstairs, to excise and explore, Abstract cogitation is what we deplore. The adage is true, if they want us to heal This lady's in need of some well-sharpened steel." But once in my belly no path could be seen So they took out my appy, to prove it was clean.

I went to the ER to take out the pest. With curtains half-drawn, I took off my dress. The emergency doctor consulted a flea, For abdominal pain he palpated me. They sent me to x-ray, to peek at my bowels With an overpriced gizmo whose name had no vowels. And down came the surgeons with blood on their gowns With scrub hats and masks to conceal their dark frowns. I still don't know why I swallowed that fly, I guess I'll die.

Then back in the ER they left me to think For the surgeons had said I needed a shrink. But when he arrived in his glasses and sweater, The look on his face proved his mood was no better. "Doze crazy clinicians, dey tink vit de phallus. You've entered a hole like dat little girl Alice. Delusions you've got vit a touch of depression; Call me next time to avoid their aggression. Terapy sessions will lighten your load; Your cure is in sight, Prozac à la mode."

I went to the ER to take out the pest. With curtains half-drawn, I took off my dress. The emergency doctor consulted a flea, For abdominal pain he palpated me. They sent me to x-ray, to peek at my bowels With an overpriced gizmo whose name had no vowels. And down came the surgeons with blood on their gowns With scrub hats and masks to conceal their dark frowns. Then back in the ER they left me to think For the surgeons had said I needed a shrink. I still don't know why I swallowed that fly, I guess I'll die.

Today I feel better, no bugs in my soup. Delivered from hell and that quarrelsome group To think they began in the very same school Of premeds selected from applicant pools Maintaining the goal of the patient to heal. It seems something's lost in their clinical zeal. Trainings divergent can narrow perspective, Destroying a teamwork approach that's collective. My plea to you all, and my final position: Respect for one's colleagues makes better physicians.


Figure. Photo by: Graham Ross





This Article
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